Mark

Sometimes I take Bobby and Danny for granted and I don't realize it for a while. Especially long weeks like this one. I had two midterms this week and I have another next week. Danny and Bobby stayed up with me while I studied, even helped. Econ and social welfare were the exams I had this week. I was finished with those two yesterday. I like working on econ with Danny. He still has his instincts in that subject and I like seeing him figure it out again.

It was this morning though that I just had to sit back and take a look at what I have. I mean, I've been distracted all week. I think Bobby and Danny have missed me, even though I've been there physically. Just been focusing elsewhere mentally. But they've been right there the whole time.

This afternoon I started studying for my art history exam. I've taken enough art history classes that I'm in the upper levels now. They're not much easier than the other classes, but I enjoy them more. There was a moment this afternoon... I had my textbook open in my lap, looking at my notes on one of the chapters. Bobby was sitting next to me, leaning back against the headboard, humming one of our songs. And Danny was sitting behind me, his arms wrapped loosely around my waist, chin on my shoulder as he looked at my notes with me. He pointed something out and I nodded, turning my head to kiss him quickly. And I saw Bobby out of the corner of my eye, he was still humming, and smiling now, and I leaned over to kiss him too. And I thought... how many people have this?

There are still times I want to shout it from the rooftops. Still times I have to stop myself from saying 'my boyfriends' or 'my husbands' instead of 'my boyfriend'. At least I don't have to pretend I'm in a relationship with a woman - but I still can't go out and talk casually about my two lovers. At least not in real life - that's what I love about being able to talk about it here. Knowing that the three of us aren't the only ones who think what we have is okay.

So Danny and Bobby - I'm sorry I take you for granted sometimes. Thanks for always being there for me. You know I'll always be there for you, but sometimes I just need to say it. I love you.

I'm writing to say that the three of us are doing okay. Which is an improvement from a few months ago, but all I can say is that we're happy and mostly healthy. And that's all we ask for. Bobby's doing much better. Danny and I have made sure of that. Danny's leg is doing okay too.

Spring break is next week. We don't have any big plans for it yet, but I think we'll try to get Bobby to the coffeeshop for open mic night, even if it's just to watch. And I know Bobby's not a huge celebrity yet, but one thing we have to consider is whether taking him there will mean people will bug him to sing. Maybe we'll have to go incognito ;)

I have such amazing husbands. I thank God every day that I have them in my life.

Bobby and Danny and I had a great one together. It was just as good as any day we spend together, but of course it was an excuse for us to have some extra fun. And, since Bobby was feeling a little better, he got to join in this time too. He's getting better by the day, you can really see it in the way he's gaining weight back and smiling more and sleeping less. Danny has taken very good care of him while I've been at my classes.

Speaking of school( Read more... ). As for me, I don't know what I'm going to do with my life. Spend it with my husbands, I know. But I want a career. Hell, just getting my degree will be a first in my family. I want to make something of myself. I just don't know *what* yet.

I just wanted to update and let everyone know we're doing fine. Bobby is getting better every day, sitting up more and not sleeping as much. I do my homework in the bedroom with him, sometimes in bed with him if it's just reading. As soon as I get done with this, Bobby and Danny are going to help me look at the stuff I need to know for my art history exam tomorrow. It's the first one of the semester.

( Stuff about my parents )

But now I'd rather be at home, because I have Bobby and Danny. Have I mentioned lately that they're my life? Because they are. I don't know where I would be now without them. Or maybe I do know, but I just don't want to think about it.

I have this weird feeling that Luke should be here now. Bobby's face changes when Luke is in the room. Not that he isn't always happy to be with me and Danny, but he has a history with Luke that Danny and I can't give him. Memories and safety and years that they need to catch up on. I thought I'd be jealous at first; maybe I still am. But the thing is, I love Bobby so much that as long as he's happy, I'm happy. And I know Luke isn't a threat to what the three of us have. He's just another piece of the puzzle of our lives and our family... Luke *is* a part of our family, has been since before we met him. He's ingrained into our family because without him, we wouldn't have Bobby. And what could be more important than having my husbands alive and healthy?

Classes started last Wednesday. I did my modeling and... it didn't feel right without Danny there. So I gave my notice. I'll keep modeling for the class until they find a new model. The professor tried to talk me out of it, but I just can't do it. Not without Danny.

I don't know what this means for my plans of being a model. It's just that none of that seems important anymore with Bobby and Danny both healing. I'm going to try to do well in my classes this semester, and get a job that pays better than the kennel. I have some debts I want to pay off. If I'm not modeling, I'll need to find something else.

Bobby and Danny told me that Luke came over last week while I was at class. Danny left Luke and Bobby alone to talk. I didn't ask what they talked about... it's not my business. I know it had to be hard for both of them. I mean, the way I feel about Luke - how grateful I am to him for keeping Bobby safe for us all those years - is pretty strong, just from what Bobby told Danny and I about him. I can't imagine what it's like to be Bobby or Luke right now.

Right now I'm just doing my best to stay strong for Danny and Bobby. Until they're better, that's the most important thing.

Classes start next Wednesday. I don't know that I'm ready. And, you know, it kind of feels like I'm wasting my time there. All I'm taking are art classes (one history and the one I'm modeling for), econ 202, and sociology. It's variety, but my classes have nothing in common. I gave up on the idea of an English major but now I don't have a clue what I want to major in. I feel like I don't have any direction.

I don't know how I'm going to do my classes, anyway. How can I sit in a classroom while Bobby and Danny are both home trying to get better? I should be with them, taking care of them. I'm the only one of us who's healthy. Who's going to take care of them if I'm not there? How am I going to get to spend time with them if I have all this homework to do?

I really don't want to go back to school.

Bobby is finally home from the hospital. Danny and Bobby's mom and I brought him home yesterday. We've been keeping him warm and very close to us.

It seems like all the anniversaries are in November and December. A year ago today was the scariest day of my life. I got a call from Bobby saying he and Danny had been in a bad accident. Danny was out of it. I didn't know what to do. I'd just finished my exams, and only a few days before Bobby and I had been talking about surprising Danny for Christmas with a pair of leather pants. We never did get those for him...

In other good news though, Danny is in the process of setting up a meeting with a representative for an art gallery to see if he can sell his sketches. Bobby and I can't wait to see it happen. It's going to, I know it. Danny is going to be a famous artist :)

We spent most of the day at the hospital with Bobby, but I went home to get a few things. I brought Bobby's guitar back with me. He was able to sit up and play a little, and even showed me a couple more chords. I can't do much yet, but it's fun spending the time with Bobby, learning something with him. Danny joined in too, of course. Luke just watched with this smile on his face that looked like he'd found home again. And when Logan showed up - that's Luke's boyfriend - his face just lit up even more.

You know, the first time I met Logan in the hospital, I thought he looked familiar but I couldn't place him. It turns out he's the waiter at the cafe where Bobby plays on Friday nights... well, where he *did* play until he went into the hospital. Logan was the guy who was always there with a pillow for Danny's leg when it got bad. He's a good guy. I'm really happy for both of them. I'm always thinking how lucky I am to have Bobby and Danny in my life and to be as happy with them as I am, and I always wish I could share that feeling with other people. It's like nothing else, being in love. I think Luke and Logan really have that.

Meanwhile, we're starting to talk about when Bobby can come home. I hope it's soon, because it's getting uncomfortable sleeping in those chairs ;-) Nah, I just want Bobby to be healthy again. We all need some peace again.

Actually, he's sleeping right now, but it's a peaceful sleep. He was awake for a while earlier, and it was incredible. I don't think I've ever been so happy in my life. And he finally saw Luke after I convinced Luke it was okay to be there and it was just...

There's too much going on in my head right now to write coherently, but it's the first time I've wanted to write since Bobby came into the hospital. Good thing Danny has his laptop here.

Bobby is so beautiful. And he's awake. And Danny is here, and Luke is here, finally, after looking for him for over a year, and he's here and he's happy and he has someone, you don't know how happy I am to know that... maybe for selfish reasons... but he deserves to be happy too, and I'm just so glad he and Bobby got to see each other again. Things couldn't be better. Well, unless Bobby was at home. But we'll all be home soon. Really soon. Everything is getting better.

(This is a protected post, only onethird_oflove can read and comment here. Other comments should be directed to la_journals.)

Danny, I didn't realize you were writing so much about what's been going on with Bobby. I haven't wanted to get online at all ever since Bobby got sick, maybe I should have. You can't blame yourself, you know that right? You've been good for Bobby and me, you're helping me keep everything together.

Class is almost over. I think this is going to be my last one until Bobby is better. I know I agreed not to let this affect my classes but I can't even pay attention, I'm just reading your posts instead of taking notes. I need to be with you and Bobby. That's more important than any classes.

Just give me 45 minutes and I'll be there.

We had a quiet Thanksgiving together, some really great food and of course, great company. Just me and Danny and Bobby. It was almost like just another dinner together.

A year ago today is the last time I talked to my parents. I told them I was leaving and they didn't want to hear it. They thought I was just running away like the last time and would be back sooner or later. I didn't have a reason to go back. To what? Them yelling all the time and my dad pushing me around when he thought he could get away with it? I was so sick of that. And I had every reason to go - at least two very good reasons - Danny and Bobby.

I almost called my parents. I picked up the phone but I just couldn't dial the numbers. I don't know what I would say. It's just that it feels like I have unfinished business back home. No, I won't say that. Because that was never a home for me. This is home, where I am now, with Bobby and Danny. I'm so lucky to have them.

This week we've been sleeping with Bobby in the middle. Usually Danny's in the middle, he has been ever since I moved out here after the accident. I'm not sure what that means, exactly - we were protecting Danny because of his leg, and now we're protecting Bobby because the flu shot made him so sick. He's gotten a lot better, though. He even picked up his guitar today, showed me a few chords. I couldn't replicate it, but it was fun for the three of us to be together, talking and laughing in front of the fireplace. It's hard to believe - I have a home with a fireplace. And two amazing husbands. If you'd asked me a couple years ago where I would be now... well, I wouldn't have pictured anything like this. So as you can see, I have a lot to give thanks for. I count my blessings every day.

Which was very, very fun.

It was awesome. We had a driver, and we went to this restaurant that was so high up, it felt like we could see all of California from there. It was beautiful. We sat together and watched the sunset, no one bothered us, it was just the three of us. And then we spent the night at the cabin which was... perfect as usual...

We spent a lot of time talking, too. So many memories have come up lately and it's hard to remember that it's been a whole year; that it's been only a year. It feels like just a day and forever all at once. Bobby and Danny have brought so much to my life and now, I wouldn't know what to do without them.

We talked about the first few months after we met, when we were still just talking online. Lately Luke has been in our thoughts because he's been in Bobby's too, and Bobby remembered a chat he and I had last year, not long after my birthday. I'd gotten drunk, I guess because I did that a lot back then, and I missed Bobby and Danny. I'm getting to the point in a minute, and I wasn't sure about writing this here, but I want to. Dave, I know you can see this. It's okay. That night about a week after my birthday, you and I hung out together before I went back to my dorm room to talk to Bobby online. So of course you were on my mind when I talked to Bobby. I told him what a great guy you were, that you deserved to be with someone who cared about you. And Bobby said... he said that if he and Danny weren't in my life, that he would have liked to see me and Dave together. Dave, I still hope you find someone. You deserve to be happy. Bobby and Danny and I all care about you too and we want to see you happy. Don't rush into anything, don't look for it. When it's time for you to meet that person, you'll know. You deserve the very best and you, our friend, have our best wishes.

That time when Bobby and I were talking last year, after he said that in another lifetime, Dave and I could've been together, I told Bobby that if Danny and I weren't in his life, I wanted him to have Luke again. To find Luke, to be able to support and love each other, keep each other safe. I meant it then and I still mean it. If Danny and I couldn't be there for Bobby, I'd want Luke to be able to be there for him.

I told Bobby the other day, if I met Luke, I would thank him. Because if it weren't for Luke, Bobby wouldn't be here at all today, with us or without us, to use Bobby's words.

I know not everyone reading this knows the details of what happened to Bobby years ago before Danny and I met him. That doesn't matter - what matters is that Bobby has been through a lot and all of us are fortunate to have him in our lives, no matter how he's there, and it's thanks to Luke for saving Bobby's life. We don't know where Luke is now, but we owe him a debt of gratitude, wherever he is. I just hope that he didn't lose himself to what almost took Bobby from us so many years ago.

Maybe this should be a locked post but I don't care. This is the only place where Bobby and Danny and I can be public about our relationship, even if it's to people we'll never meet or see. And yeah, I know this was supposed to be about my amazing birthday, and the beautiful view and the gorgeous portfolio they got for me to put my modeling pictures in. But the greatest gift was - is - having these two amazing men in my life, and I have Luke to thank for Bobby being here. So, Luke, wherever you are - thank you. I wish Bobby didn't have to lose you, but I'm so grateful for the part that you played in his life, and that Danny and I are able to be a part of his life now. Our lives wouldn't be the same without Bobby in it. We love him more than we ever knew it was possible to love someone.

Thank you.

Bobby is the best performer at open mic night. I'm not just biased, either. To go onstage, you have to sign up for a time slot to play or sing or whatever you're going to do. When we went last night, people were checking out the roster to see when Bobby was playing. I know they were because I heard them talking about it, looking for his name, looking for Bobby, the guitar-player, the one with the really great voice. I always knew he was great and now he's the main event at the Daily Grind.

It's funny, the place just opened this summer and we just started going for a place to go out and get away, and when we found out about open mic night, Bobby couldn't wait to get up there and do his stuff. For the other performers, people in the audience are still eating and talking when people get up there and read poetry and sing, but when Bobby's on deck, everyone starts to get quiet and they all stop to listen to him play and sing. And Danny and I just sit there and smile at each other and listen to Bobby, knowing that he's playing for us. Maybe some day, the people in the audience would know too.

Probably not. I know it's risky. I mean, LA's not like Kansas, but it's still a big deal, especially since there are three of us. Sometimes I want to put my arm around Danny's shoulders or kiss him in front of everyone, but I want to do that with Bobby too. And that would look weird.

But hey, I get to come home with both of them, so that makes up for all of it. It just feels like Bobby has found a place on that stage. I'm so proud of him.

P.S. I wish there were a way for Danny to get up there and show everyone his art, because he's just as good as that as Bobby is at his music. But unfortunately I don't think it's applicable to the mic part of open mic night. I'm still proud of him, though :) I have the most talented husbands.

About a year ago, I fell in love with two men. I never expected it to happen but it did. After a lot of mistakes and frustration we finally ended up together and now I'm happier than I ever was before I met them. It's not just that I'm happy to be with them; they've taught me to feel better about myself, too, even after I did things that seemed like a good idea at the time but that I regret now. And despite that, they love and support me and want me to love myself. No one has ever tried so hard to make me feel like I'm worth something. They've shown me that I am. That's the most valuable gift I've ever gotten.

Bobby and I have a song. It's I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing by Aerosmith. Well, I was listening to this song on the radio and maybe it's a little corny, but it makes me think about what Bobby and Danny have meant to me this last year, and I wanted to share it. Except for the part about 'before I go', since I'm not going anywhere. Except home, after I finish work today.

Here's the song. It's called The Reason and it's by Hoobastank.

I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
Thats why I need you to hear

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you

(this is a private post, please comment at la_journals)

A year ago tomorrow was when I found out about Bobby and Danny getting together. It was when I got mad and got drunk and went to Ian's party and slept with him and Dave, and woke up the next morning not knowing what had happened or whether I would ever talk to Danny or Bobby again. That's the real anniversary coming up next, but it's not one I want to be thinking about tonight, or ever. I just hope that Bobby doesn't remember and Danny doesn't realize because I want tonight to be nice. Not about that.

The first thing I did during my lunch break was look up the post from a year ago when I talked to Danny. It was his first time meeting Bobby and God, I was so excited for both of them. I don't know why I was surprised that anything happened. I guess I was more mad, more jealous. Here Danny had been saying he didn't want me to sleep with anyone else and he goes and sleeps with the one person I'd fallen in love with and wasn't supposed to. Not when I'd just fallen for Danny. I was so confused, loving two guys at once when no one had ever been more than sex to me. I got to meet both of them, the real them, their thoughts and everything before I met them in person. It was their minds I fell for, the way they made me feel. Always going right to sex with people, I'd never gotten to know anyone for who they were. Danny and Bobby were the first people who were more than that to me, and maybe just because I met their minds before I was able to make a physical connection.

I've thought about this so much, how we came to be so much to each other. There are still time I still don't understand, and sometimes I do take it for granted. But one thing I didn't remember was how sorry Danny was when he told me. He didn't want me to know, and he was sorry he'd done it as soon as he did it, and I didn't see that then. I just saw what he'd done to me.

This summer, when we fought about it, I told Bobby that he and Danny didn't have the right to decide when we were past it, because I was the one who'd been betrayed. I wish I could tell them now that we are past it, if that didn't mean bringing it up. I've gone past that.

Maybe I should have gone back to that day sooner. Hell, I was already so in love with them before I met them, how could *I* not have done the same thing if I'd been the first to meet one of them? I would have been guilty of exactly the same thing, and blaming them for doing what I would have done makes me a hypocrite.

Sometimes it's hard loving two people at once. It's complicated. It hurts sometimes. But it's the amazing feeling I've ever had. And I wouldn't give either of them up for anything or anyone.

I can't wait to see them tonight. I'm going to make it so good for all three of us.

It's Saturday, so I'm going to work today. I know, I haven't mentioned it in a while, but I'm still working at the kennel during the weekends. Bobby and Danny are going to spend the day at music stores looking at guitars and music just for fun. Bobby played last night, at the Daily Grind again, and he was so great. He's learning a new song for us. It wasn't ready for last night but he tried it out when we got home, our own private concert. It just keeps getting better.

It's not long until my birthday. That time last year was when Danny and Bobby came out to Kansas to surprise me, and it was the first time I met them in person. What an amazing weekend that was. Unfortunately, it's part of that fuzzy time before the accident that Danny has a hard time remembering. I think I'm going to tell him all about it tonight, with Bobby's help. That's one of my favorite memories from when I lived back there and it will be great to relive all of it, and tell Danny about it. Bobby's just the same as he was then, loving and sweet, but Danny's different than the guy I met last year. I really realize it when I think about before the accident and after the accident, but you know what? I love both of those Dannys. I fell in love with him before I met him in person (not that I would admit it to myself at first) and how I felt, how scared I was when they were in the accident, well, that made me really know how much I loved them both. I can't imagine life without them, without my husbands. My first and only loves.

See? They've changed me too. I wouldn't have been able to say that a year ago. But family isn't so scary when you all love each other.

I know it's been a while since I posted here. I've been taking care of Danny with Bobby, especially since it's partly my fault. Bobby and Danny don't want to hear it, but I should have been there to make sure Danny got to class okay.

Anyway, what matters is that Danny is feeling better now. We even went out last night. We went to that coffeehouse again and Bobby brought his guitar since it was open mic night. There was a lot of poetry and bad singing but Bobby sounded great. You should have heard everyone clapping when he was done. But what was really great was that Bobby was singing to us, not everyone else. Danny loved it too. We're definitely going to have to do that again.

Something for the three of us...

It's been a while since I've updated. Not much is going on, Bobby's in the shower, Danny's putting the finishing touches on his latest sketch. I eavesdropped a little. It looks really good.

Tonight for dinner we're trying out a new cafe near the UCLA campus. We checked to see if we had to make reservations but it turns out we don't. We'll have to act like we're not, you know, married, but I think we can keep our hands off each other for a few hours. That's the only hard thing about going out in public with Bobby and Danny. I wish we could act like normal couples. Guess not being a couple doesn't help, huh? Sometimes I catch myself wanting to hold their hands or kiss them but we can't.

Anyway, tonight's going to fun. It's open mic night and we're just going to sit and listen. Hey, it will be dark, maybe we can hold hands and no one will see.

When I got home this afternoon, Bobby was posing, and Danny was sketching. Really nice to come home to. I love watching them like that... well, I love watching them, period. I could have done more with that, only I'd just gotten back from volleyball and they really didn't deserve to be subjected to me until I took a shower.

I made it as quick as I could, of course, because my husbands were waiting for me in our room. When I was done, Danny and Bobby were already busy driving each other crazy, and of course I had to join in. Bobby ended up in the middle, and even though I couldn't see him very well, since his back was to me, I could see Danny, who was just gorgeous, sucking Bobby's cock, the sunlight on his face. Now that's a picture I want Danny to paint.

I think that's the hottest sex I've had at three in the afternoon in a while. My ass is sore and I wasn't even the one getting fucked.

In case you were wondering, we're trying to decide whether to go out to eat tonight or stay in. Bobby's voting to stay in. I don't think I blame him.